RB

Broken silence

2012-01-18T08:45:00.003-06:00

I've been rather quiet on here for the past number of months. I have been focused on the publishing of my first book and everything involved with that. I have had this thought many times before, but really felt like putting it down on here. I am so happy with my lot in life! Although I'm in a wheelchair and at home alone with my thoughts I still have an outlet to release those thoughts. I may be disabled and have many challenges, but I refuse to be kept down and and kept from showing people disabled or not they can do it. Whatever IT is. I can't type so well with my hands, so I use my voice. I wrote a book.. Don't get me wrong, things are tough and I definitely have moments of despair and freak outs. With determination you can do whit ever you put your mind to do. There are my two cents on pushing the crap life has thrown your way and still moving forward.

Manuscript and Dad

2011-11-09T07:52:00.001-06:00

I'm kind of in a holding pattern right now. My manuscript is finished and the arm work in preparimg for the publication process has been done. I am waiting for my four rusted confidants to finish their read throughs. Once they get back to me I will be able to tidy things up and be ready to get my book copyrighted. That is a 3 to 4 month process. That will give me some time to get things ready for the future like my website and such. Thank God for my good friend Bob and Dragon NaturallySpeaking. I never could have written a book.

Last Friday I went shopping with my mother-in-law. My main focus for a purchase was some new boots. I wanted to get some easier boots for Emily to put on me. I had done some research and figured the kind with the zipped sides would be easiest. We went to the store I had picked out and got the boots. They were cowboy boots, but I really liked them regardless. My dad always wore cowboy boots too. I know he is looking at me and smiling. Finally, I got my boy to see the light is what he's thinking. I wore the boots out last night and I kept feeling his presence near me. I must say that I like cowboy boots now.

STL & Handi Love

2011-10-12T08:35:00.000-05:00

This past weekend was our 2nd anniversary and we went down to St. Louis with no set plans, but to relax and enjoy our time together. We couldn't have asked for a more beautiful weekend. It was nice being outside and able to roll to most destinations. It was nice going out for a nice candle lit dinner on Saturday. Going out for coffee a couple of times was relaxing, though I wanted to try a new drink -- a salted caramel mocha. They were out of the salt, that was the intriguing part. So I settled for my usual skim latte. While getting our coffee drinks we found out there then October is disability awareness month. I had no clue there was even such a thing. So show a handi some love!

OK, I know I've been really quiet on my blog. I do have stuff to say, I've just been so consumed with my book. I'm getting down to the nitty-gritty. At themomstandard.com they have written a little preview on the book here. So check it out.

Permanent and Temporary

2011-08-30T19:24:00.001-05:00

I've tried to be very vulnerable and honest on my blog. I just had a moment of frustration and thought that I should blog about it. I was feeling kind of weak, which seems to be the case lately. In my moment of despair/frustration I yelled at God. "I'm only 32!"In that moment I wished I wasn't here having to struggle with everything. That would just be a permanent fix to a temporary problem. Having those moments is rare for me, but they are a reality. I'm sure that others have felt that same frustration/desperation. As I've been able to snap out of it, I hope the same for you. Having this outlet really helps me.

Relaxed

2011-08-22T08:01:00.000-05:00

I've thought about this post for some time. About a month ago I saw how close I was to finishing the book and started stressing out about everything I still had to do. About that time we started talking about having a kid. I became so stressed out. Some really good stuff, and I started to freak out. Over the last month I found a comfort level with these things. Ya, the end is nearing for the book project that has been in the works for five years. I became excited and stressed. My excitement wanted to get things done right away and that stressed me out thinking about all I had to do to be a published author. I soon realized that I needed to just relax and do things slowly and correctly to make sure I put out a great product. With that peace about the book came peace about having a kid.The other day in fact I was thinking about having a kid and I put in my voice recorder about that desire. So now these two things that were weighing heavily on me are no more. They will both come about at the right time.

Par

2011-07-30T10:20:00.002-05:00

Recently I've had a couple of doctor appointments. One with my neurologist and the other being my eye doctor. I am on a schedule of a check up appointment with my neurologist every six months . The examination includes checking my upper body strength, vision, dexterity, and blood pressure. The checkup also includes my viewpoint on how things are going. My tests proved to be about the same as last time and I think that's right in line with how I feel things are. My eye appointment went well also. This doctor has seen me for years, I could walk when I first started seeing him. The usual tests were done, reading the lines of letters, testing for glaucoma, and the best eye dilation and the tests that goes along with that. My vision was the same as last year. Finally, I am not fighting an uphill battle. Granted every day is tough, but my symptoms aren't continually getting worse. I guess I have to admit my MS medication is working. I take a shot three times a week and usually the day after I don't feel the greatest, but that's a small price to pay to stay the same over a longer period of time. It sucks that I have MS, but I am so happy it is diagnosed and accept it. Now I am in a place of staying par for the course longer.

Scared

2011-07-15T17:06:00.002-05:00

When I thought about writing this post earlier I didn't think I'd feel this way now. All of the stuff I've had to deal with over the last few years and this is scaring me most. Emily and I have decided we are ready to try and have a child. We just both really feel in a place of comfort in life and that it's time to try for a Beal baby. Up until now I was just excited,, but now I feel nervous as hell. I guess because now it's a reality. I have so many challenges in life, how can we deal with those and have a child? I can sit here and dwell on all that or just go for it. So let's go for it! I will be blogging my thoughts, my fears, my excitement, and everything else about this along the way.

D-Day & B-Day

2011-06-17T08:05:00.000-05:00

Change of direction

2011-05-16T10:11:00.000-05:00

This is a topic that has really been on my mind lately. I've been so engrossed in the formatting and editing of my book and the inner workings of publishing it. I started thinking, such a far cry from locomotives which was the last industry I was involved in. Actually, that's really all I knew after high school. I went straight from graduation into the family business. I can't believe where I am now. This got me thinking about where we are today as a nation. The whole climate of our world has changed. So many people having to reassess their entire life. Going from a COM to Mc Donald's just to try and make rent. I don't know who all out there has had to make life changes like this, but just keep your head up. Things are gonna change. Try your hardest to keep a positive outlook, believe me I know it's hard. If a guy that doesn't see well, doesn't hear well, can't tie with his hands, is in a wheelchair, and many other shortcomings is able to pull himself up and try to figure something else out, so can you. No one is promised life will be easy. but life is what you make of it. Be encouraged today. If he can do it, so can I.

A day to remember

2011-04-22T09:41:00.000-05:00

I will always remember April 22, 2006. That was the day that I came home off my whirlwind tour of hospitals and nursing homes. Those were dark days, but definitely growing days. Hindsight is always 20/20. I didn't realize at the time all I was learning and how much I was growing. My eyes were focused on walking again, not on learning to live from where I was. All I knew to do was keep pushing. And walking again was the goal. Thankfully, my therapists accepting that and kept pushing me, teaching me how to live from the wheelchair along the way. The doctors and nurses were awesome to deal with and at times made my stays feel like I was at home. The time I spent in each place usually brought a roommate. Some were downtrodden and others very upbeat . You all brought something that I needed. Whether it was more compassion for the hurting, a positive way to book at my trials, or even a little laughter. I'll never forget each and every one of you.

Being home has brought some big steps my way. I have done a little traveling (not via an airplane yet). I've gotten married. Became an uncle. Found my sister and nephews. Got a diagnosis . Learned how to use Dragon NaturallySpeaking. There are many more things, but the main thing accomplished is: becoming comfortable with who I am in the wheelchair. Bring on the next five years!

Accepting yourself

2011-04-15T09:33:00.000-05:00

Over the years this has been something I've struggled with. It took me quite some time gettingto this place. I can truly say I am who I am and I'm fine with that as far as my disability goes, that is. I've talked about this struggle here many times, but I definitely have internalized it more often. I have struggled with accepting another area of my life. I watch Oprah! I talk about it with people and wouldn't mind admitting it. I would get uncomfortable when guys or someone would call me out, even jokingly giving me a hard time. Recently I have embraced this fact of my life. It seems to have freed me yet again.`I truly feel at peace with who I am, where I am. I haven't stopped thinking about how good this feels. I truly want this for everyone else too. I don't know where you are, the struggles you have, or the show you enjoy watching :-) Let's all be comfortable with who we are,so we can live our best life.

FYI-After today there are 28 more Oprah shows remaining.

Toddler

2011-04-06T08:47:00.000-05:00

I've been using Dragon NaturallySpeaking for a little while now. The program is understanding my voice better and I'm becoming more proficient in my ability to make corrections along the way. We both have grown during this time. I'm becoming a better parent and the program is now at least a toddler in its growth. The freedom this now gives me is awesome! I can type and type and not have my hands be worn out. This is an amazing tool. I know this post is short, but I'm proud to say I did it all with my voice. I am so thankful to my therapist for teaching me how to effectively use this program. I had this program for quite some time, but never really knew how to use it. Thanks for reading my two cents on this or perhaps now it's up to a dime. When you get a freedom back that you haven't had in years you just want to talk about it. I promise I'm done, for now....

Spring Break is over!

2011-04-04T08:00:00.001-05:00

Dragon & Child Rearing

2011-03-10T08:44:00.002-06:00

This is my first blog written totally with Dragon NaturallySpeaking. I definitely have had to make corrections already, but I feel armed with the knowledge necessary to handle this. The first appointment with my therapist was the most helpful. During that session he told me to treat the program as a two-year-old. When you are first starting out there will be numerous times you need to correct the chid. The longer you use the program and teach it your voice and make the necessary corrections it will grow up. Every time there is a mistake you need to ask yourself is the mistake the child's or was it yours? I will be honest as much as I wanted to be able to type this whole post with just voice commands I could not. I feel better about using this program moving forward though. I think using this program will not only help my productivity on a daily basis, but will prepare me in becoming a more patient pareant when the time comes. Also, as you have to formulate what you are going to say before you speak hopefully this will help keep me out of the doghouse as a husband in the meantime. :-) I'm happpy with this program and look for word to being able to type a blog whatever and not have my hands be balled the rest of the day.

Rooting you on

2011-02-23T10:37:00.001-06:00

What's going on

2011-02-16T09:49:00.000-06:00

Sorry for the ending, not edited out.

Magic Ear

2011-01-27T08:38:00.002-06:00

I had my third appointment at RIC and am loving forward to learning more about the speech to text program. I have used Dragon Speak before, but never got the most out of it. My therapist is really helping there. My sister and brother-in-law took me to this appointment again, plus my neice B. I love me some B time! After the appointment we headed to the cafeteria to eat our Nutrisystem lunches (I'm loving the weight loss). As we were talking I mentioned that one day I'm gonna go to an audiologist. My hearing sucks! If there's any outside noise: driving, tv, or restaurants, I'm not really able to partake in the conversation. If I don't know what's being said I just make up a story, which can be more fun:-) Lately though I've just grown weary of this and just get frustrated. My sister mentioned the "Magic Ear" at Walgreens as a cheap and quick alternative. So on our way home we stopped and got one. After getting it all set up I gave it a try. Oh my god, I could hear! In fact I was told my talking volume was better too. I can't wait to try it at a restaurant. Plus, it's not too crazy looking, itlooks like a bluetooth headset. So, "Magic Ear" seems to have pulled a rabbit out of 6the hat for me:-)

A test

2011-01-20T08:20:00.000-06:00

Well, about two months ago I decided to do a test. A test on medication I'm taking and it's effects it really has. Before I started taking ampyra, "the walking drug" I blogged about starting it with guarded optimism. I then blogged about it helping my vision.I was convinced it was helping. But I wanted 66666666666666666666to be sure. So about two months ago I stopped taking it altogether. During this time my eyes were blurrier and my energy waned. I still was determined to really be a good judge on this and make sure I was true to the test. I really wanted to show myself that even though I was guarded befor5e starting I let my guard down and just thought it was working. Two weeks ago I decided to start ampyra again. I truly thought I'd take the month I had left and be done. I'm now convinced it works. My vision is crisper and my ener5gy is up. Most days I feel good enough to workout, which definitely wasn't the case over the past two months. Today I( can confidently say that ampyra is working.

PS-Next week I go to another day of traini9ng on Dragon Speak. Things are going good there too.
Thanks` Matt & ED!

Not a new year's resolution

2010-12-30T10:22:00.000-06:00

Instead this is a decision I have to make. It seems every year at this time I'm digging myself out of a rut. A rut of laziness. I haven't been reading, blogginf, or anything else productive. My days have been filled with mindless television. I am excited for my appointment at RIC next month and hope getting a voice to text program tailored to my needs and will help me in being productive. Here's to a productive 2011. I hope everyone had a great Christmas a fabulous new year! I

Dentist, RIC, & Family

2010-11-23T09:59:00.000-06:00

Ampyra & Vision

2010-10-23T08:45:00.000-05:00

Couldn't Blog

2010-10-14T10:45:00.000-05:00

Why my silence?

2010-09-23T07:59:00.000-05:00

I know I've been kind of silent on my blog lately. One post a month, geez! There are a couple reasons for this. One being the difficulty I have typing. My voice to text program sucks! Two being my project: writing a book. It's been a long time coming. I used to mention it in posts from time to time, but haven't in awhile. The old adage "Don't talk about it, Be about it". has been my motto. My good friend Bob has been working with me on this from the start. We have found a good rhythm over the past couple of months. To never have written a book, to now writing one has been an interesting journey in itself. I'll keep you posted when we are done writing, the publishing progress, and when it's ready for purchase. I'm hoping for next summer, but we'll see. I've learned in life to have a plan, but definitely be flexible. Life is a fluid situation, go with the flow.

Rebif, Ampyra, & South Beach

2010-09-03T08:44:00.000-05:00

Being diagnosed with MS for about two years now has been a freeing experience for me. I've been able to focus on getting better and just how to handle the day to day. No longer be concerned with the thought of what is this I'm battling. Taking Rebif, an MS medication to help slow down or even stop the disease from progressing, for around one year continuously. I really feel like it's been working. I haven't been fighting just to stay above water for once. Rebif, I take 3 times a week, in a shot. The one down side to it is how I feel the day after. Ugh! I usually feel like crap.. That's a small price to pay though. I am taking a newly approved MS drug called Ampyra in conjunction with Rebif. It's nicknamed "the walking drug". I've taken it for three weeks now. I feel str6onger when standing every night before bed. Not to say I see walking in my future. Though I do notice an enhancement in my vision, things at times seem to be in high-definition. So, that's encouraging to see4. Also, Emily and I have4 started on The South Beach Diet, it's been a good thing. Losing weight while in a wheelchuair has been tough, but the SBD seems to be a good thing. Props to Emily doing gretat on it!

Guarded optimism

2010-08-09T15:27:00.001-05:00

Today I was called by my specialty pharmacy and informed I was approved for Ampyra. That was quick. Exciting to get approved and get started tomorrow. I'm hoping it helps in the areas of my visionn, hea3ing, speech, and dexterity. Although that's my hope I'm starting this drug with a definite guarded optimism. Let's hope for the best.

Ampyra & Navy Pier

2010-07-23T11:46:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was an appointment with Dr. D. It started as always with a nurse checking my vitals and having me do a timed 9 pin hole test. My blood pressure was elevated again, so that’s another thing for me to be cognizant of. The 9 pin hole was about the same. Encouraging for sure. As always I like to joke around and this nurse was a target. Not knowing my health situation she asked if I could walk at all. I said no, but thanks for bringing up a sore subject. She was all apologetic. I had to tell her I was totally joking with her. C’mon laugh! She was uncomfortable for3 sure. Now my time with Dr. D was good. We joked around with each other as always. During our conversation we talked about a new MS drug. Ampyra is nicknamed the walking drug. It’s helped people with MS in their walking, not get those in wheelchairs back up walking. She said it takes awhile to get insurance approval or denial (3-6 weeks). There isn’t any data on it helping with vision or speech yet. I asked if I could take it. She was on bord with that. So she’s getting the info lined up for insurance. Fingers are crossed that I get approved. After the appointment we headed over to Navy Pier for lunch. It’s ben around 7 years since I’ve been there. It was a nice time and a nice day to be out. Getting Garrett’s popcorn to bring home was a nice way to end a good day. Yum!

Pissed off!

2010-07-13T10:10:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was a day for me and Emily to just hang out. Breakfast out, a couple hours with our niece and my sister Kim, later we saw “Despicable Me”and then dinner at Hooters. This was our first time seeing a movie at the newer facility at the Louis Joliet Mall, very handi friendly. The movie ended up being better than I expected. All that was great. Here’s what pissed me off: Being in a wheelchair. It’s a rare day I when I feel this way. I let my mind wander back to my younger, healthier days and thus allowed that PO’d feeling in. Yes, I’d rather be walking, but I’m truly happy where I’m at. I’m always an open book and I really wanted you to see all sides of dealing with disability. As positive and upbeat as I can be I do have a time when I feel defeated once in a while. Having a strong, loving wife as I do helps those down moments easier to get through. I love you Emily!

Family

2010-07-02T08:30:00.000-05:00

I think turning 30 gave me a new perspective in life. Having family in your life is really important. At my wedding last year I had two of my uncles and their wives and my cousin from southern Illinois fly up for the wedding. Having them there along with other family members I haven't seen in some time really whet my appettite for more. Last weekend Emily and I headed south for a family reunion weekend. It was so great seeing aunts, uncles, cousins, and others I haven't seen in years. Introducing Emily to them was great. My cousin Tom sent me an email after we left saying how good it was to meet Emily and how nicely she fits into the family. That was so great to hear. Next week I'll have pictures up on Facebook. I have some memorable pics-the one I'm most excited about is with my dad's siblings. I look forward to making that weekeeend a regular trip.

Comfortable

2010-06-07T15:42:00.000-05:00

This weekend my niece Grace had her 6th birthday party. It ended up being a great day to be outside, at least for the couple hours of the party. It seems to be the season for “luau” themed parties this year as my niece Bianca is also having a “luau” 2nd birthday party this coming weekend. There were some of Grace’s friends parents that were there partaking in the festivities as their children played. While we were partaking in the food, punch and conversation I had a bit of an out of body experience. I looked down at myself and smiled. Usually when I drink I need to use two hands to steady the liquid, when eating my hand is shaky and slow to my mouth, and I talk slower. Even with all that happening I didn’t feel self-conscious about this for the first time. Yes, I’ve grown more comfortable over time. This was my first time where I accepted me as me. What a feeling! I finally accepted myself.

Busy June

2010-06-02T16:15:00.001-05:00

This is gearing up to be a busy month. There are my two nieces birthday parties, a weddiiing, and two family reunions. I haven't been to the family reunions in eight years. I'm really looking forward to going. Two of my uncles and two of my cousins came up from southern Illinois. That rreally whet my appetite for family. I can't wait! The older I get the more I desire to be close to family.

A Blessing

2010-05-19T07:56:00.000-05:00

On June 17th my niece Bianca will turn 2. My sister Kim is instilling a practice in her: giving. You can read moreb here about Bianca's Blessing. Please join in and be a blessing!

Marian Joy

2010-05-04T07:50:00.000-05:00

My MIL Nancy has a friend that is there for a couple weeks. Though it sucks she broke one leg badly and has damage to the other one too. This brought me to a bit of nostalgia on my time there four years ago. It was my third stop on a journey through four facilities. I was there one month, it was a great time. When I was there I was focused on getting up to walk again. Though I did that some, it was not to be. They taught me how to live at a wheelchair level. At the time I learned that, it was not my focus. In hindsight being there and learning what I did was the best thing for me. To Marian Joy, thanks for all you did for me!

Growth

2010-04-13T09:33:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I had an appointment with Dr. A. I haven't been there for an appoitment in nine months. Going to his office is like seeing family. Seeing him is like talking with an uncle. We mainly just caught up about what's going on in life. When we did talk about my health he said how much better I looked in my trunk. That was good to hear and true. Riding in the van works my trunk. So it's been good for more than getting mobile more often. After the appointment we went out for lunch. As I was eating, my head was shacky and w1eak. I thought for a minute are people looking at me? As I thought that I quickly thought, good. Let 'em look. I didn't care. I usuallys care, but yesterday I idn't. Finally when getting home I got up to my apartment door and was really feeling weak. I knew it would take me a while to unlock the door and get inside. There was a lady that was leaving our neighbors apartment. I didn't hesitate to ask her to unlock my door. She graciously did so. So I felt growth today in my dealig with my disability. What a great day!

A new freedom

2010-03-31T10:23:00.000-05:00

In the past week and a half I have found a new freedom. Getting our WC accessible van has afforded us that. Our nickname for the van is the Bizzle Bus. I have gotten out of the house a few times since. Normally it takes some planning and preparation for getting out. To me it had to be back breaking for Emily. Helping me to get into her Saturn, packing up the wheelchair. Getting to our destination and doing the same in reverse. Not to mention if I physically didn' feel good it was even harder on Emily. To make it even better I have a power chair too. We had purchased that for the wedding weekend and now are really getting our moneys worth. To go out now I just get into the power chair, wheel up the ramp and get locked in place, then away we go. I'm so happy about the Bizzle Bus and power chair for many reasons like thefreedm they allow me. Most of all the stress it takes off my amazing wife. Now perhaps I'll see you out and about.

Enjoy life

2010-03-29T06:53:00.001-05:00

Here's my Monday morning cup of Joel.
Life's got a handful of ,ountain top moments-marriage, job promotion, birth of a child, etc. Life's made up of a lot of smaller moments. Learn to enjoy those moments. It's the old adage, "stop and smell the roses". Take time to enjoy the journey. Enjoy the ones on the journey with you-your spouse/significant other, children, parents, etc. Having goals and your mind on the future is great. But it means nothing if you don't take time to enjoy the moments along the way. Let's tell those close to us how much they mean to us. Enjoy thejourney you're on, it's the ride of your life!

Cup of Joel

2010-03-15T08:05:00.005-05:00

It's easy to be me. Being someone else is not. I am equipped to deal with everything in my life. Dwelling on the I wish's will get you no where. I wish I was taller, I wish I could sing, and on and on. You have exzctly what you need. This is an area that plagues us all. There's always something we wish for. We need to be happy with who we are and what we have. Taking our natural and letting God add his super to create the supernatural. Let's all step in to our destiny. Whether it's being an entrepreneur, great mother, author, singer...Let's be who we were created to be.
My Monday morning Joel.

On Purpose

2010-03-08T07:41:00.007-06:00

Last night I went to bed determined to start anew today. I have fallen into a rut lately. A rut of watching TV and really not being productive with my day. My first goal was to watch my Joel Osteen recording. A new one is reported on my DVR every Sunday. I usually get to it later in the week if at all. First goal accomplished. My second goal is to give a brief synopsis here. The message today was about being happy. That's an easy statement to make, but at times a difficult task to walk out. Abraham Lincoln once said, "most people are as happy as they decided to be". Easily put, being happy is a choice you have to make every day. Life may be hard for you right now. Maybe you lost your job, perhaps your family has fallen apart, or your health is failing? No matter what. it's your choice. Having or getting the right perspective on your life situations will help you to be happy. I like to think of myself as an overall happy person, but I have those dark moments. When I get there it helps to be thankful for the little things. A quote I heard years ago said, "it's not the outlook that matters, but the uplook". I agree partially with that statement. Yes, keeping your eyes on God is number one, but having a positive outlook is good too. I know just thinking about a positive future has helped get me through. So lets be happy on purpose today.

Bowling, Twitter, and a Van

2010-02-11T07:20:00.003-06:00

Man it's been a bit busier for me again. It seems like things just went to a screeching halt after all the wedding preparations. Last weekend I went bowling for the first time in the wheelchair. It was a work thing for Emily. We bowled three games. Though it was fun Emily and I realized we are not good bowlers. We do pretty good on Wii bowling though. Now on to Twitter. I've decided that I'm done with attempting to be a tweeter. It's just too much. A van is now on the horizon for us. We decided to take the leap into a wheelchair accessible ride. This will help in getting me out of the house more often. We are buying a van from my cousins dealership in chicago and then getting it modified through Mobility Works. Once they get the van it'll take 4-6 weeks. So that's what's been going on lately.

Game on

2010-01-25T08:18:00.004-06:00

Thursdays appointment with my neurologist went well. It was the usual check-up. How's everything going? Anything new to report? Check my strength and my vision. Those two areas seemed to be about the same as last summer. Being as I've been on Rebif for 5 months now she wants to see me a little more frequently. Just keep an eye on things. The possibility of getting an MRI this summer seems high. I asked a year plus ago to be put on an anti-depressant. It definitely goes hand in hand when getting on a medication such as Rebif. I've had many dark thoughts over the years. I was telling Dr. D a recent realization I had. Being on Lexapro has been a great thing. I really haven't had those dark thoughts often at all. She said she wanted to record that and let other patients hear that sentiment. I'm not a fan of taking medications, but when it helps my quality life then game on.

5 Months

2010-01-20T08:07:00.004-06:00

Tomorrow I have an appointment with my neurologist. I just see her twice a year as follow-ups now. Actually its been that way for a couple of years. In preparation I've been analyzing where I am physically compared to where I was last time I saw her. Part of me thinks I'm about the same, perhaps a little worse. Maybr I think a little worse because I'm so hard on myself. I did look back and realized I've been on Rebif (an MS medication) for 5 months now. I do feel since starting the medication I've allowed myself a chance to get better. The medications' goal is to slow the progression of the disease. Perhaps I can even get a little better over time. I'll see what my doc sees tomorrow.

Sight vs. Vision

2010-01-06T09:09:00.004-06:00

I try and watch my cheerleader pastor every week. That's how I refer to Joel Osteen. After listening to one of his sermons you feel empowered. You can overcome any obstacle, be a better person, grow closer in a relationship with the Lord. A quote he used last night was this: Sight is what you can see, Vision is what you can be. That hit's where I am and more clearly got the point across. Looking at your surroundings and circumstances will only let you get so far. Vision is what helps you to go farther in life. When your sight sucks like mine vision is all I really rely on. That's the bright side of a tough situation. Making lemonade is the way to go. Wherever you are and whatever your circumstance always remember your vision in life and don't dwell on what you're seeing

Ever wonder

2009-12-17T08:22:00.006-06:00

How did I get here? This is not where I thought I'd be. As a kid there were dreams of grandeur. President of the United States of America was mine. Having the milk lady at lunch call me Mr. President. Later on in junior highschool it was being a professional athlete. Man, dreams were lofty back then. In high school my dream shifted to becoming a pastor. Needless to say I never imagined I'd be here right now. A disabled guy at home with just his thoughts everyday. The reason I get up and keep pushing is because of dreams. Yes, I have a new dream for my life. The old adage says, 'when life gives you lemons make lemonade'. No matter what keep dreaming. When your dreams come true, nkeep on dreaming. My beautiful wife is the most recent one!

Next part

2009-12-10T10:05:00.003-06:00

I'm reading over my past posts to see what I had to say back when. It's crazy reading of where I was and where I am now. Times when I was depressed, happy, thankful, in love (even more so now). Man, it's crazy & cool to see where I've been. I don't know where I'm going, but I'll be blogging on my way there. Just had to say looking back was cool and I'm looking forward to the next part of my journey.

Tiger

2009-12-04T19:31:00.002-06:00

Are you tired of hearing that name? I know I am. No matter the channel you have on the television these days you're hearing it. It started by hearing about his car accident outside of his house and soon after you started hearing reports of his infidelity. Everyone seems to have an opinion on this. Whether it's, "move on alreafy" or they have an opinion about his alleged infidelity. He's in the public eye so he's open for judgement. I guess that's an accurate statement. My opinion is, let's move on and let him and his wife handle this between the two of them. If you want to judge Tiger I want you to remember the words of a more famous man than Tiger. Jesus said "he who is without sin can throw the first stone". There's my two cents on a story that has taken over the news, gossip, and sports stations.

Giving thanks

2009-11-25T20:13:00.000-06:00

This holiday season I have plenty to be thankful for. What I'm most thankful for at this time is my new family. They've been a part of my life for years, but I can officially call them family. I love that I've been accepted as a son. Not only did I gain a mother and father in-law, but a sister-in-law. I'm so blessed to have them in my life. Of course they wouldn't be family without my beautiful wife. So thanks for including me into your family!

Maybe

2009-11-18T08:37:00.006-06:00

I'm not exactly sure what happened, but I've been motivated lately. For some time I have felt like a bum. I have not felt the push to be productive. Maybe it took me just making the decision to do something of value with my time. Maybe it'sthe fact that I'm a husband and I feel the need to be a better man for my wife. Maybe it's because I want to be more than just a pretty face in the crowd:-) That would be more difficult since I made the decision to let my beard grow until I get a certain project done. Maybe listening to Matt's album just reinforced my desire to do something great with my time. Whatever the reason I'm thankful for that kick the butt. I say let's all take our maybe's and do something great.

Matt's Music

2009-11-15T12:10:00.002-06:00

Just a lazy Sunday afternoon. Last night we went to dinner downtown. Taking the train and getting a wheelchair accessible taxi has grown easier for us. This was our seconf excursion doing so this year. Having my electric wheelchair is even more freeing. I see us doing this even more next year. Well, being as it is just a lazy day I'm just onthe computer doing not much really. I am listening to Matt Mc Graw's album. His cousins took what Matt had done before he died and finished the project. Matt would be proud. When I listen to the music I want to be better. All my dreams I want to push harder to have them be realized. Matt, your speaking even a year after your death. Your music is speaking. I miss you brother!

Accepting & Acknowledging

2009-11-12T07:09:00.005-06:00

Last night Emily worried a sorority of women educators. Her mpther has been a part of this group for quite some time. This morning as I was working out and Emily was getting ready for work she mentioned that one of the ladies from last night made mention of the fact that her husband also has multiple sclerosis and he goes to a support group. When she told me that she then asked if I would want to go to a support group? I quickly responded with a resounding "No!" As is usually the case I thought about what I said after the fact. Why was I so quick to say no? Talking with otherr people battling the same things I am might be a good thing. I asked her what she knew and if she would find out more. I told Emily why I responded so quickly with a 'no". Going to a groip would be accepting I have MS. I really thought I had, but really just acknowledged the phrase "I have MS". I guess I'm working my waythrough the stages of grief to acceptance still.

Rolling on

2009-10-27T07:53:00.003-05:00

The wedding has been over for two weeks. It's a bittersweet time for me. I love being marriedto Emily, which is the sweet part. The bitter part is taking off my wedding planner hat. After wearing it for the past year plus I now have to put my focus and energy into a different arena. It's been tougher than I expected it would be to move on. Maybe I'll be inclined to blog more often.

Whew!

2009-10-20T06:54:00.004-05:00

What a month! I finally feel like I can come back down to earth. Wedding planning has been my focus for the past year. With the wedding over it has been difficult to come back to reality. Emily tells me that with the wedding over it can only go down from here. Although she is partially joking I think there is some truth in her words. It was a great weekend, but I look for even a greater future. I've always believed that I have big things in my future. I will say this, having Emily as my wife to share life with makes me want to push even harder to have other great moments to share with her. Here's to our first 10 days, I love you Emily!!

Cookies For All Occasions

2009-09-19T11:18:00.006-05:00

'Looking for a cool gift idea? Something different to have at a party? Perhaps just a comforting cookie? These cookies are not only delicious, but are beautifully decorated. Each sugar cokkie is hand decorated. View some ideas at http://www.shortycakecreations.blogspot.com/

Unsure

2009-09-18T07:48:00.003-05:00

I sit here thinking about the future and I am unsure about that. There are two things I am sure about. The first being that God was the same yesterday, is the same today, and will be the same tomorrow. The second thing I am sure about is Emily. No, I am not in the dog house and trying desperately to get out of it with some kind words. She has amazed me from day one. Not knowing what the future holds and voicing my concerna, she just replies, "it is what it is". She makes me feel better about things when she speaks her calming words. So Emily, knowing you are by my side to make me confident that our future will be bright. You make me sure in unsure times. I can not wait to declare my love and devotion to you in front of our family and friends.

Useful

2009-08-31T07:48:00.002-05:00

Emily and I have a couple of highschool kids on our dloor, one she taught in class last year. They've come down last year under the guise of asking questions about homework she had given. Now they come down when no one is home to let them into their apartment. I think they just like coming down to talk. The other day the one guy made mention of a situation he's looking into. At the time he said it to us in passing. There was not an in to really talk to him about this. I had hoped to be able to listen and voice my thoughts on the situation. Sure enough on Frida they stopped over. Emily was gone at her summer pool job. So I had a great opportunity to open dialogue with him on the topic. We talked for maybe an hour. A lot of listening on my end. It felt good to be there for a young person. I really felt useful again.

Busy

2009-08-26T10:13:00.002-05:00

Since Emily went back to work, so have I. It's like I found motivation somewhere. I've been working on a project I basically took the summer off from. Also, I've been dealing with some insurance issues that I'm hoping to have a resolution to soon. On top of that I'm tying up wedding plans. All the main stuff has been done for months. I'm starting to get excited about the wedding. Plammimg the day has been fun, but now I'm looking forward to enjoying what we put our time and money into. Just 45 days away!

Summer break is over

2009-08-19T07:57:00.002-05:00

Emily is back at school full-time this week. I guess that puts an end to my little hiatus. Last year we had a few out of state trips and this year we had none. We're just waiting for the wedding this year. 52 days to go. I'm so blessed to be marrying Emily. I can't wait. Besides that I've decided to start an MS medication again. It's a shot 3 times a week. The drug is supposed to help slow the profression of the disease. Hopefully that's what it does. Well, that's where I am now. I had to start blogging again somewkere.

Football and marriage

2009-07-09T10:48:00.003-05:00

Now that it's nearing the start of training camp for the Bears, I'm beginning to get into a football state of mind. I'm looking forward to the season kicking off September 13th. Emily is so great during this time of year. She knows that I live and die with the Bears. She supports my addiction by giving me the space and time I need to be fully engrossed in the game. She even wears Bears garb during the season. As I was locating at this schedule today my faith in us getting married was just reaffirmed once again. The weekend of our wedding is the bye week for the Bears. There are many things I love about Emily. This is just one more thing she unknowingly did that shows me we're perfect for each other. I can't wait. just 93 days to go!

Vision

2009-06-23T10:12:00.007-05:00

I'm sitting here ussing my voice activated typing program to type this post. That's not out of the ordinary as I've used this program for quite some time due to the limited use I have with my hands. I've gotten used to that. Not to lead you to believe I'm fine with that or that it doesn't frustrate me. Because it does, it frustrates the hell out of me! But for some time now I've been dealing with my failing eyesight. At times it's not horrible, but like right now everything's blurry and my face is just inches away from the monitor to read what I'm writing. I guess this post today is just letting my frustration out. So, today my symptoms suck. Oh well, that's enough of a pity party.

MRI

2009-06-11T17:20:00.000-05:00

Today I had a follow up appointment with my neurologist. I had my yearly MRI last week and got the results today. The images of my brain have not changed. In fact they have not changed in the past 3 years. Other than that it was just the usual. Checking my strength, sensation, vision. Everything was par for the course except my vision. That unfortunately has gotten worse. I have an appointment next month with my opthamologist and will see more about that. Otherwise a good uneventful day.

Something of value

2009-06-02T07:02:00.003-05:00

I woke up today wishing I had something of value to say. It seems like lately I struggle for anything to put on my blog. When I got sick back in 2006, I felt like I had something to say. As I am speaking this into my Dragon Speak program the thought of this being a season of rest was just dropped into my spirit. I guess being blessed with as much free time as I have I feel like I should at least have some thing good to share. I guess that's just me being hard on myself. Well, I guess I needed to work this out. I'm sure one day I'll have something of value to share.

Tweet me

2009-06-01T08:40:00.007-05:00

I don't know why, but I've given in to yet another internet craze. I'm on myspace, facebook, and now twitter. I guess I chalk it up to being home all day being on the computer for a lot of that. Twitter is kind of a neat way to follow someone and see what's happening up to date. Other than that I've got a number of doctors appointments coming up. This Wednesday I've got my yearly MRI. Next week I then follow up with my neurologist. Later today I'll be scheduling read more appointman's this summer.

No trips are planned this year. Last year we went to Indianapolis, then up to Minnesota, and finally down to Nashville. This year is just about gearing up for our wedding. Emily has a count down on her facebook page and it's down to 131 days. I remember what it was like 400 days. I can't wait, I'm such a lucky man. Alright, I'll be back to update soon. In the mean time follow me on twitter.

Feeling good

2009-05-11T08:59:00.002-05:00

Waking up today I felt great! My body was relaxed and limber. Lately I've been feeling good more often than not. Emily has been working out three to five days a week and she has definitely motivated me. I've pushed myself to do the same. Not only working out, but eating way better too. We're not doing this for the wedding, but for our future. That's what I'm most proud of. We're not doing it for a one time event. Don't get me wrong it's going to be nice losing weight for the wedding too! :-) I just really had to jot this down after the best work out I've had in years. Also, feeling this good makes having MS bearable.

Random

2009-05-06T10:07:00.003-05:00

For the past couple of weeks I wheel to my desk and do what ever I need to for that day. It might be just reading stuff online, watch TV, take care of wedding stuff. I've been looking into an electric wheelchair. I'm not sure the money is worth it yet. I'm also getting scheduled for my yearly MRI brain scan. So I'll be doing that in the next month or two. The last major wedding plan we have to take care of is the cake. I know there's other things to be done, but no worries over here. As for today I'm just taking care of \a few wedding details and just relaxing. To steal words from a wise man: "that's all I've got to say about that".

My kind of town

2009-04-21T16:20:00.000-05:00

Saturday Emily and I went to Chicago. We rolled down to the train station. The train had a wheelchair lift to get me on and an area to roll to and get locked down for the hour plus trip. Once down there we met up with Bob and called for a cab. It was a nice deal. I rolled up the ramp and got locked down for the ride to Millennium Park. It was Emilys first time and my second. Gotta love the bean! Then onto dinner across the street. Elk and rabbit sausage were the interesting parts to dinner. We finished things off with some delicious deserts. After dinner we rolled down the street to enjoy the weather and sights. To end things we missed the 9 o'clock train and ended up waiting for the 11 run. That was fine as Bob waited with us so we got to talk and laugh some more. I can't wait to go down again.

Wheelchair Traveling

2009-04-15T09:01:00.005-05:00

This weekend will mark a first for me. It's my good friend and Best Man Bob's birthday. He lives downtown Chicago and this year I'm going to him. We always do dinner for our birthdays. The last number of years we've stayed closer to Joliet. And lately I've been months late, but this year it'll just be a couple of weeks. The" first" lies in the fact that we're not going to drive, instead take public transportation. We'll take the Mestra down and then a wheelchair accessible taxi to dinner. If all goes well this will hopefully be the first of many trips relying on alternate modes of transportation. I really want to fly next year. I'll check back in to let you know how the trip went.

Weak

2009-04-11T09:40:00.002-05:00

This past week, I heard about a lady that blogged while battling postpartum depression. It not only helped her, but others that would read her site. So I figure why not start doing that myself. If nothing else, it will help me to talk about the ups and downs I have with multiple sclerosis. I felt the urge to start today because of how I feel right now. In fact, the past few days have been the same. I feel so weak. So weak it's hard wheeling myself around. It's hard feeling this way. I wish things could be easier. Not only for myself, but for Emily. I push and push doing as much for myself that I can. When I feel this weak, I always wonder how I will be in a year, five years, even 10 years and beyond. As Emily always tells me, "Stop worrying about the future. Just take each day as it comes." So, I'm going to try to do that today!

Good quote

2009-04-04T14:28:00.000-05:00

The other day I heard a quote that is good for the times we are living in. "Look at what you have, not what you had.". There's nothing you can do about what you lost because of the economy. Just keep looking forward. It's true about anything you no longer have. Such as the ability to walk. If you keep looking back you're bound to miss the little joys on the journey that should be treasured and help you on your trip. So keep looking forward!

Declaration

2009-03-18T08:11:00.004-05:00

Yesterday I watched Montel Williams on the Oprah Winfrey show. Montel talked about his disease of MS, very candidly I must add. He talked about his acceptance and daily battles with thist moved me very much. I felt a kindred spirit with him. A lot of the challenges he faces or has faaced I've been there. I felt that watching his story was just what I needed. I've never fully embraced my diagnosis. So here I am today ready to make this declaration. I have multiple sclerosis. I just needed to saythat. I've done my due diligence in making sure that's what I have. So today I will no longer allow myself to not fully accept this and think there has to be something else.

Crazy times

2009-03-10T08:26:00.003-05:00

If you live under a rock you're not aware of the crazy times we are living in. For the rest of us how bout it? Our economy is in disarray, people are losing jobs and their homes every day. If you are not in that sect, you may know someone that is. Perhaps you're afraid to end up there. No matter what, it's an interesting time we live in. This could swallow you up and throw you into deep disc pair. Hearing reports of this every day will make anyone sick to their stomach. Unsure if things will rebound or when they will? I wish I had the answer. But this I'm sure of you will never rise above where your mind is. I just keep thinking how lucky I am to be living at this time in history. Sure, I worry and am concerned. But I do not stay there. So I don't stay there I like to watch something funny, listen to good music, or talk to God. So today I want to encourage every one to rise above.

Introspection

2009-02-25T07:38:00.002-06:00

I'm not sure why, but I'm sitting here thinking about my life. Maybe I had some bad Mexican food last night or maybe it's the worship music I am listening to. Either way it's a good thing to look inside one's self from time to time. Life has not been easy. Waking up each day unsure of how my body will feel and if I'll be motivated to work on things. I have many dreams and aspirations. I don't doubt that I will accomplish them. Just some days are tougher than the others. At the end of the day I'd have to say I love my life. The fact that I can still dream would be enough. Every day I wake up I have the love of a strong woman that lets me know even if I don't feel good that day that it's okay. So Emily thanks for loving me no matter what. I hope to make you feel even half as loved as you do to me every day. I started writing this without any notion it would end up here. I'd guess it's just a reminder of how blessed I truly am.

Pay to play

2009-02-12T08:58:00.002-06:00

Blago has been out of work for a few weeks now. I was really enjoying the whirlwind of activity leading up to his house from Illinois politics. On the morning news there he was again. This time the talk was about 2him going to throw some Illinois politicians under the bus. Also, he wouldn't rule out a tell all book. What I loved most was that our hometown minor-league baseball team the Joliet Jackhammers offered him a contract. The standard contract pays $800 a month. Hey, in this economy he should jump at the chance. Of course the last time he went the pay to play route it backfired. Maybe he should play for free!

Last night

2009-02-10T09:02:00.002-06:00

Last night President Obama preempted one of my favorite shows, "How I Met Your Mother". So I was kind of bummed about that. But I watched to hear what he had to say. First off it was nice having a president "talking" to every one and not just having a dead stare sounding like a robot with no personality. He adressed the economy as every other time we've seen him lately. After his address he opened it up for questions. There were questions about the bailout plan, the war, and one question that I thought was a joke. What were the presidents thoughts about A-Rod admitting to steroid use? Are you kidding me? I think we have bigger things to worry about than that. I mean really, it's not a shocking admission anyway. But I will say this, the question made me laugh. So thanks to that journalist for breaking things up a little bit.

What a slacker

2009-02-10T08:41:00.002-06:00

I have not blogged since the middle of the last month. I guess I just kind of got in a rut. When you're home all day every day you don't have that much to say. Here's what's been going on. Being as our wedding is eight months a way I've taken care of a few things. We found a trolley service that is wheelchair accessible. So last week I got in touch with them and sign the contract. So now we have transportation to and from our wedding. Also, an appointment with a local bakery has been scheduled so we can get our cake. And I think I figured out what to get my groomsmen. Emily already ordered one of her items for the girls.

I've had a couple of doctor appointments over the last few weeks. My sister Kim took me to both. They were just general follow-ups. My neurologist wants me to get an MRI this summer. I think we're just going to get a brain MRI once a year. Just to keep an eye on things and make sure there are no changes. That's fine by me. My ID doctor, Dr. A was the second appointment. Every time I see him it's kind of like catching up with an uncle. Nothing really to report there.

Change is here

2009-01-19T09:57:00.006-06:00

Today our nation will inaugurate a new president. Everywhere you turn there is excitment. There are many reasons for this excitement. Change is the biggest reason. Barack has risen above many liness. Be it racial, party, economic, age. More than half the nation that voted rallied behind him to elevate him to the highest office in America. Whether you voted for him or not he is our president. I, just like every American is waiting to see what he will accomplish. It would be naïve to think things will change over night. So let's give him some time and see what happens. Good luck and Godspeed President Obama.

Yoda's right

2009-01-08T10:20:00.006-06:00

With the new year comes renewed optimism. Every year resolutions are made and usually broken within days. Why do we do this to ourselves? We even talk about our previous years resolutions that we never obtained. Yet we continuously let ourselves muddle in this futile activity. This year I say we heed the words from a wise old soul, Yoda. "Do or do not, there is no try." I think resolutions put an undue stress on us. So to start this new year I'm taking Yoda's advice and getting rid of the silly stress.

Housing crisis

2008-12-20T13:15:00.006-06:00

I don't feel even remotely close to qualified to analyze the crisis our country is in. But last night I was watching "Dateline", and they had a couple of segments about the housing crisis. Chris Hanson was on the scene to show officers evicting people from their homes. I started watching out of curiosity, and was quickly moved to sadness. When things are going good in your world you tend to have blinders on. At least that's how it is for me. I know I am blessed and I am very thankful to be where I am. But seeing families evicted from their houses was heart wrenching. Kids, unsure of what's going on. All they know is they are being forced to leave the only place they've known as home. This just breaks my heart. I could go on and on about this I'll just leave you with this. Enjoy the ones you're with this holiday season.

It's starting to feel a lot like Christmas

2008-12-15T08:52:00.003-06:00

Whew, what a busy week! It started on Sunday of last week. We went to a Christmas orchestra concert. Emilys' mom Nancy is in the orchestra, it's also the same orchestra Emily is a member. She is on sabbatical until she is finished with grad school. The concert was a good time. Then on Tuesday we went to a dinner/Theatre at the Jacob Henry Mansion. It was all the ,usic from "Whitw Christmas", Emily's favorite Christmas movie. I wasn't sure what to expect at first, but by the end I was having a good time. Things didn't stop there. We went to CLC for their Christmas production, "Christmas Presence". My niece Grace was in the first scene as a ballerina. The show just built from there. The singers and band were on fire. The only bad thing of the night was the fact that the Bears were on and I wasn't glued to the TV. Thankfully we were able to get the score at intermission. I caught the last few minutes plus over time on the radio during our drive home. So three Christmas productions and a Bears winner really made for a good start to the holiday season. Every Christmas season I have one movie I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life". I watched it last night and it just put the cherry on top of the past eight days. So let's bring on Christmas!

Saying goodbye to my 20s

2008-12-01T07:33:00.005-06:00

Today is officially my last day as a twenty something. It's been an interesting decade. Early on I was legally able to go to the bars and drink. I didn't abuse that privilege much, but definitely took advantage of it. At 22 my dad was diagnose with cancer and by 23 he had passed away. After that I began having some health problems. I went from walking to a walker to a scooter to a wheelchair in my mid-twenties to today. I've gone from attending the Olympics in 2002 to going to Italy in 2003. In 2006 I spent time being bed-ridden to being in the hospital and also spent time in a couple of nursing homes. Looking back it's been a fun and interesting 10 years. When I was 18 I never thought I'd make it to 30. That seemed to be so far away. Now here I am a day away from 30 and I'm excited. I have no clue what this decade will bring, but I'm excited for the journey. It was good to know you 20's, now I say hello to my 30s.

Thankful

2008-11-27T09:33:00.002-06:00

Today is always a good day to take an inventory of our lives and realize what we're thankful for. There are so many people to thank: Emily, her parents Steven and Nancy, my sister Kim and her husband Joe, my mom, good friends Bob and Carmen, my two beautiful nieces Grace and Bianca. Those are just a few I'll name offhand. They all have helped me on good days and bad and have cared for me just for being me. I wouldn't be where I am and be who I am without them. So, to all of you guys I say thanks! There are many others that have been great influences in my life. From the guy that helped me in the parking garage the other day to the person that leaves a comment on my blog or facebook. There is no way I could name every one by name, but to you I say thanks! I hope every one that reads this will stop and take a minute to thank those that you are thankful for. Enjoy those that you are with today and let yourself not worry about calories.

What a Friday

2008-11-14T19:47:00.000-06:00

I woke up today not feeling well. Not really sure why, but I was extremely stiff to boot. I figured I'd eventually feel better. I just decided to relax and watch TV. Shortly after my body started to freak out and I slid back in the chair involuntarily. I was stuck there in pain for a minute with no way of getting up. Quickly sweat began pouring down my face and panic in my heart. Thinking I may pass out or even worse. I started yelling for helpl and continued for nearly an hour. FInally my voice was heard and help was on the way. Our building manager, maintenance guy, and a couple neighbors came in and sat my chair up. Also, an ambulance was on the way. Once the EMTs showed up they quickly took my vitals and asked a few questions. The most poignant being if I wanted to go to the hospital? I declined and just asked for help into bed. I am still in bed resting and feeling better. I guess I was just bored and needed some excitement today. I definitely got that!

Memorial

2008-11-13T08:45:00.006-06:00

This past Sunday was Matt McGraw's memorial. I went with a heavy heart and a pit in my stomach. Matt's mom just fell in my lap and cried once I got up to her. She said how she wishes he would have gone to the wedding. He was going to meet us at Adrian's wedding in Nashville and catch a ride with us back to Chicago. He never showed! After comforting Pat the best I could it was on to his brothers. This really sucked! No words could comfort, just some hearty hugs had to suffice. After being there with them it was on to speak with some mutual friends and his cousins Steve and Jason. They were in the band 'Product' with Matt back in the day. Over the years I spent some good times with them. After spending time talking to everyone and recounting our Matt stories the memorial started. After a video montage that brought tears and smiles a brief word was brought by Pastor Jerry and then some time was spent with friends and family sharing stories. A couple of tearjerkers were in the mix, but mostly it was stories that brought laughter. To end the night, 'Product' reunited plus one cousin to play one of their songs, it was great hearing the song and thinking back to when Matt was there. Thanks to Matt's producer a track recorded days before his death was played with Steve and Jason singing with Matt. Even thinking back now I get a little choked up. All in all the night was a great tribute to Matt. I think about him all the time and miss him like crazy. Just being around everyone and remembering the good times has helped ease the pain. Matt will always be remembered by the way we live our lives, to the fullest.

Remembering Matt

2008-11-05T08:42:00.002-06:00

I received the news Monday morning. My good friend Matt Mc Graw had been found dead in his apartment in Los Angeles. I still can't believe he's gone! I hope blogging about his life and our friendship helps ease the pain just a little bit.

Matt and I became friends a while back. I'm not even sure how we befriended each other, but I'm glad we did. Matt was always a free spirit and I loved that. Early on in our friendship he took off for California in his old Justy car. Although I hated having a friend just take off, I loved that nothing would keep him down. He was Yin and I was Yang. Over the years our friendship continued to grow. With my love of running a sound board and he and his cousin's having a band (Product) there was a match. I've went to a lot of their show's, helped set up their instruments and on occasion run the soundboard. I just loved being able to have my hand in a friends dream. While I enjoyed being involved with all of that, I must say I enjoyed our time sitting around with a cup of coffee and sharing in deep conversation. It was rare to sit with Matt and not have the conversation get a little deep. Those times just sitting at MoJo's coffeehouse are probably what I'll miss the most.

My mind is swimming thinking of all the times we shared. Matthew, you will be missed my brother. To everyone Matt touched you are in my thoughts and prayers as I know this is a very difficult time. I am glad we still have your music to help us feel you are near.

Judge Beans

2008-10-25T19:25:00.000-05:00

Last night Emily punched in the address to Judge Beans in her GPS and was on her way. After driving the two miles there was no Judge Beans. In fact there wasn't even a building in sight. She actually felt a little uneasy in the area she was. She decided we were going to have to go a different route for dinner. She decided to keep it easy and just get McDonald's. So in a matter of minutes we went from some good BBQ to fast food. Yum! Today for lunch we made it to a famous BBQ joint, Jacks BBQ. You know its good when the meat doesn't need sauce and the brisket didn't. Being as it was a beautiful day we drove over to an outside outlet mall and spent some time there.
All in all its been a nice relaxing day.

Here in Nashville

2008-10-24T21:42:00.000-05:00

We made it down here. The trip wasn't too bad. There was a little rain in Indiana and Kentucky, but that was it. We finally got in our room as there was a mix up with our room not being wheelchair accessible. They quickly rectified the problem and got us into a nice wheelchair friendly suite. Emily just left to get dinner from a local BBQ joint Judge Beans. My buddy Garrett raved about them the other day. I'll let you know if that raving was warranted.

Father in law

2008-10-22T05:55:00.000-05:00

Wednesday my FIL had a mild heart attack. I was in shock when I heard the news. My mother in law called with the news and was quick to let me know he was doing fine. Emily was in class Monday night that's why I found out first. Plus as Emily likes to point out I'm her moms favorite.:) We went to see him last night and he was in good spirits which was encouraging to see. He's supposed to get out this afternoon. I hope he continues having a speedy recovery. Let's keep him in our prayers.

I'm mobile!

2008-10-18T16:36:00.000-05:00

I know I'm home most of the time and don't need this option. That's just it I'm home all the time and got bored. Thus I'm a mobile blogger. Plus we've gone on two trips this year and will be in Nashville next weekend and this makes it easier to blog on the go.

My kind of town

2008-10-16T08:55:00.004-05:00

Emily and I went out for dinner on Tuesday with a couple of her friends, also bridesmaids. Her friend Becky was in town from California. Being as I have never met her this was the perfect opportunity. Emily hates parking in the city, which most people do. On top of that having to deal with me and the wheelchair make it even more difficult and stressful on her. After some figuring out and advice from Christines friend we found a place not too far from Becky and her sister Peggy that has a parking garage a few buildings down. The whole process was seemless and stress free. Meeting Becky and her sister Peggy was a treat, they were so nice. On our way home from dinner Emily stated that she would be up for going to the city again. I used to love going to the city of Chicago and now both of us feel at ease about doing this again. So Bob, don't be too mad that our first trip wasn't to see you. We'll come back soon enough.

Down to one year

2008-10-10T07:30:00.002-05:00

Today, 10/10/08, is one year from our wedding date. I know it seems far away, but everyone tells us it'll fly by. During the summer months Emily and I really worked hard to get all of our plans done. We just have a few items to take care of before the big day. When this whole process started I wasn't as excited as Emily. I know I've stated it before that I would be fine going to the courthouse and tying the knot. I know a bigger wedding is what Emily wants and deserves. We've gone through so much in the past three years that I now look forward to our big wedding day. I saw parts of a TV wedding the other day and it made me think of our day. I couldn't help but be excited to see Emily in her beautiful wedding gown. In fact I feel a little emotional right now. I'm such a lucky man to have such a strong, beautiful, loving woman by my side. Emily, I hope to spend the rest of my life making you half as happy as you make me. I love you, and can't wait till 10/10/09!

Weekend wrap

2008-10-06T10:27:00.004-05:00

What an enjoyable weekend! I guess it started on Thursday with Emily and I going to our wedding photographer to approve our engagement proofs. We were really impressed with how good we looked! :-) Saturday, we went out to Schaumburg for a dinner with our good friends Carmen and Bob. Carmen just had her birthday a couple of weeks ago and Bobs was six months ago. So it was a bit late for him. After our delicious meal and our good conversations, Emily and I made our way home for a good nights rest before the big sports day. Sunday started off with our typical Starbucks breakfast which led right innto the Bears game. I know the Lions aren't a good team, but the Bears dominated from start to finish. The weekend came down to this, if the Sox won it would be considered a great weekend and I'd be preparing for Game 4 today. If they lost, I had a great weekend with Emily and friends, but wouldn't be happy today. Thankfully the White Sox accomplished what their city counterparts could not do, win a game! :-) I'll end it with this: a woman in the crowd held up a sign at the Sox game that read, 'Hey Cubbies leave the playoffs to us!'

I still want to marry your daughter Steven!

You can put it on the board

2008-10-01T07:26:00.005-05:00

Last night the White Sox finished battling through three win or go home games. It was definitely stress filled, but worth it in the end. With the 'blackout' in the crowd, John Danks was lights out. Jim Thome crushed a mammoth home run which ended up being the difference in the game. I don't know what they'll do in the playoffs, but just going to the dance under such odds helps hammer a point home. Anything is possible! The last time both Chicago teams were in the same postseason was in 1906. 102 years and we're both finally back together. It's so exciting to be a Chicago sports fan. Let's all enjoy the next month of baseball.

Three years

2008-09-25T08:13:00.002-05:00

Emily and I have been to gather three years today. We've been through so much during this time. Some crazy, some sad, some happy. I'm glad I've gone through it with her by my side. I love her so much. I look towards our wedding day and can do nothing but smile. I love you with all the pieces of my heart!

This is me

2008-09-25T07:23:00.003-05:00

I'm different than the person I used to be. When I'm alone I don't feel any different, but I know I am. I don't see too good, my hearing is not that great, and my speech is slow. I haven't found my comfort level with being around others yet. I thought I had. Last night I realized I had not. It was time for me to go to Bible study and I started to freak out. Thinking about having to talk in front of people and not being able to hear everything, I got myself worked up to the point of not feeling well. I ended up not going. Talking with Emily about everything I broke down. She is so good to me. We talked through everything. She said I won't feel accepted by every one until I accept myself. So that's my goal to be fully comfortable with myself. Emily made me realize it's all on me. Have I gone somewhere and people pointed and laughed? No. Has anyone made fun of me because of how I talk now? No. Have I fallen out of my wheelchair in front of people? (Except for that one time she dumped me out on the street) No. Get over yourself! I know I've battled this for some time, but I feel like I've had little bit of a break through.

Last night's Bible study

2008-09-18T08:53:00.008-05:00

New situations always stress me out a little bit. Being uncertain of my surroundings, and how people will be around me. Looking back I know it's stupid to feel that way, I guess I must not be fully comfortable with myself yet. I've grown more comfortable with where I am and am almost there, but. at least went. Anyway, there were over 80 people there last night. The organizers had stated when they were first planning this they had hoped for around 20. It was cool to see this large group and their hunger to grow deeper in their faith. After watching the video introduction of this eight week Bibles study we split up into smaller groups. I enjoyed being in a smaller group and really hearing where every one was in their knowledge of the Bible. I did feel a little out of place when everyone introduced themselves and what Parish they attend. Being as I'm not Catholic I didn't have a name to share. I could have said St. Emily I guess, :-)! Either way I'm glad I went. I felt challenged to dig in and start reading the Word. I'm nervous that I won't, but hopefully fear of looking stupid in our small groups will be enough to get started. Emily's parents, Steven and Nancy were very gracious and helping me get around and introducing me to people. Thanks guys!

Where was Noah?

2008-09-15T07:35:00.006-05:00

We looked, but couldn't find him.
On Saturday I had a ticket to the Sox game and with Friday's washout was ready to go see a doubleheader. I think God had other plans as both games were rained out. We'll just have to use our tickets on another game now. With Sunday came the clearing of the skies and excitement for the Bears game. All I can say about that is I'd rather listen to Kyle Orton talk about a loss then hear Rex Grossman come up with another excuse. After that game I thought it would've been a lost weekend. Thankfully the White Sox did play and won both games. Hopefully they can widen their lead over the Twins this week. While I am a devout White Sox fan, I'm not a Cubs hater. Although I hated ESPN for interrupting the Sox game, it was exciting to see Carlos Zambrano's no-hitter. So I'd say baseball rescued the weekend on Sunday.

On tap for this week: Emily and I will be getting our engagement photo taken at Fred Fox Tuesday and Wednesday I'll be going to Bible study with Emily's mom. Most weeks I don't get out of the house until the weekend, so this will be a busier week for me.

Conquer Chiari

2008-09-09T08:15:00.007-05:00

Not sure what Chiari is, go here to learn more. A friend of mine has been battling this for some time now. It kills me to hear about her struggles. So I'm going to do my part by keeping her in my prayers and help shed light on this disease. Conquer chiari is not only a statement, but a website to inform about this disease and help raise funds for further research. Also, they are trying to make September chiari awareness month as a national event. Right now a few states have adopted this. I don't claim to know that much about the disease or of the struggles, but want to support my friend Becky in the battle.

Making Strides

2008-09-04T07:17:00.009-05:00

An old high school friend of mine participates in the American Cancer society's Making Strides Against Breast Cancer. Her mother has been cancer free for eight years now, and she walks in honor of her. I've seen the negative affects of cancer, that's what my father died from 6 years ago. Also, my mom and my sister Rhonda have battled their way through different types of cancers. . So I ask you if cancer has touched your life in one way or the other or you just want to do your part in this crazy world and you're able to do so please donate to this worthy cause. A link to my friends team "In The Pink" is available to donate through them.

September 2, 1941

2008-09-02T08:19:00.008-05:00

My dad would have been 67 years old today. He passed away on June 17, 2002. My family and I will never forget that date. But today I always look back fondly over the time I had with him. He taught me so much: how to be a man, always forgive, how to love (actions speak louder than words), determination goes a long way. Those are just a few of the examples he left behind. Yes, I am sad he's gone, but I am thankful I got to have him in my life for 23+ years. I just hope I keep living life by the examples left behind.

Blah, Blah

2008-08-27T09:55:00.003-05:00

I figured with Emily going back to work after the summer break would be just what I needed. So far I'd say I was wrong. I am trying to get into a routine, to no avail at this point. Feeling as dry as I do I tried reading a book to get me jumpstarted, but only got a couple of chapters in before setting it down. Now I've been working with Photoshop and learning the intricacies of that hoping that will get my brain going again. I'm just taking the philosophy of writing what I know. I have scheduled a couple of White Sox games next month with my good friend and groomsman Garret. Maybe getting out of the house will be just what I need? Either way it can't be bad. Especially if the White Sox make the playoffs. On that note I'm out for now, I'll let you know what helped get me out of this blah state.

Bible Study

2008-08-19T08:25:00.003-05:00

Here in a few weeks I'll be going to a Bible study with Emily's mother every Wednesday night for a couple of months. I don't usually get out of the house without Emily, but we both enjoy the times I can do so. Years ago I used to be heavily involved in church and was always into Bible study. Over the last few years Bible study has been a foreign subject to me. Sure I get my doses of Bible and church via Joel Osteen on TV and my home churhc CLC's webast about every week. But I'm excited and kind of nervous to open a Bible and dig in a little bit. We'll see how things go. No matter what it'll be good to get out of the house and get back in to a little bit of the good word.

On another note I get to watch my niece Grace for a few hours tomorrow. I've always been a little nervous to do so, but Carmen entrusted me to do so two weeks ago. Things went phenomenal. Grace is four years old so we watched cartoons and had a little bit to eat. Time flew by and my confidence soared. Going into tomorrow I am not nervous at all but just excited to hang out with my niece. And then on Thursday I have an appointment with my neurologist in the city. This will be my sister Kims' first time taking me to an appointment since her beautiful daughter Bianca qas born. So let's hope she remembers what she's doing with helping me in and out of her car.

It is what it is

2008-08-10T11:10:00.004-05:00

Thursday the 14th Emily goes back to work and we can get back into a normal routine. I hadn't planned on taking off this long from blogging but I guess I needed it. I figured with her going back it was time for me to get back too. This summer has been great! I've always liked traveling, and this summer was a good springboard to future farther travels. We first went to Indianapolis for a long weekend to celebrate my buddy Joshs' wedding. Next, we traveled up to Minnesota to go to the Mayo clinic. Not only was it cool to be in Minnesota for the first time, but being up there and hearing what they had to say was just what I needed to kick my butt into gear and just live. I've been trying to do that. In October we will be taking a trip to Nashville, Tennessee to partake in my friend Adrians' wedding. So for not traveling since 2005 this has been a good year for getting on the road again.

Saturday night Emily and I went to one of her friends weddings in Homer Glen. After getting dressed up and getting to the car I felt horrible. I was having a hard time with the wheelchair and transferring into the car. So in typical kid fashion I threw a fit. I didn't want to go, I stressed about being a limp noodle and an adult bobble head. Finally mustering enough strength and with Emilys' help I got into the car. Once Emily was able to get into the car I complained some more. And once on the road she had some words to share. "It is what it is" she said to me. What if you are a limp noodle, bobble head! No one cares. It doesn't bother her or those around me. It came down to me fearing what others thought of me. I've been that way my whole life. After talking about it, I decided to go in to the wedding and let what ever happens happen. During dinner my shaky hand took and I spilled soup on my shirt a few times, but I did not let it phase me. When the salad and entrée showed up my hands and head were still shaky , but I just pushed through and ate. Every one at the table was not pointing and laughing at me. It did not phase any of them. In fact quite the opposite, we were all laughing and having a good time. Upon leaving I felt like I had taken another step. Emily and I are both stubborn people, but I'll give her this one. It felt good to not care about my preconceived ideas of how people will react. Boy, it feels good to live without undo stress. So this is how it feels to be free!

Chilling Out

2008-07-16T11:39:00.002-05:00